Visiting the Asylum

In today's dispatch from the fringe asylum.... listen, folks.  This gay marriage thing isn't about gays, and it's not about marriage.  It's about murdering friendship.  That's right.  For you see, from this point on, men can't be friends with men, and women can't be friends with women -- not ever, because if they are seen chumming around with people of the same sex, people will snicker and point and call them gay, which means that all straight people will have NO CHOICE but to stop having friends and rely on the Government for all their companionship needs.

No, really, someone said that.

That didn’t take long: Same-sex “marriage” murders friendship.

Which makes me want to ask two questions.

First off, unless you're some kind of psychological doormat with no spine, why don't you just be friends with whomever you want, and tell anyone who has a problem with it to fuck off?  That's what i've been doing my entire life and it works out pretty well.

Second.... well, it's the same question that Brad Pitt asked Kevin Spacey in the movie Se7en....

"I've been trying to figure something in my head, and maybe you can help me out, yeah? When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane? Maybe you're just sitting around, reading "Guns and Ammo", masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, "Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!"? Yeah. Do you guys do that?" 

I wish i could ask that of every person who thinks that the SCOTUS ruling is some sort of psyops ploy to make them feel lonely.  It's not.

It's about freedom, and equality, and fairness, and because we love George Takei so much.

Ohhh, myyyy.

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Today is one fruity day!

Yay!

Oh, here we go again.  Gay marriage is even more of a thing now, and certain people don't like it.  You know the ones.  I'm not sure who to be more entertained by, the ones screaming about "Gamorrah," or the ones attempting to twist some pseudo-legal pretzel of justification for continued discrimination.  Mostly, it's just the same refrain that we heard when they wanted to end slavery.  Or end Jim Crow.  Or let the chicks vote.

"This isn't the way it's always been.  It's always been one way, the way GOD wants it, and you can't do it any other way.  If this stands, get ready to watch everything just fall apart!"

I look forward to hearing the same thing when i'm an old man, and the first genetically-engineered people or people with cyber-brains start being made.  

Because change is eternal, and so is resistance.

In the meantime, if anyone is down about the gays taking over, i recommend listening to some good old fashioned rock balladry, maybe some Elton John?  From "Tiny Dancer" to "Someone Saved my Life Tonight," he has many yearning, heartfelt tunes that can offer needed solace to souls in pain.

Sir Elton, he can get you through the night.

Queen also has some great torch songs.

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The Paradoxical Republican

I find it funny when conservatives propose solutions to problems, knowing full well that they'd also oppose the solution if anyone ever tried to implement it.

"Guns have nothing to do with school shootings!  Adam Lanza and James Holmes were mentally ill -- we should do nothing about guns, and focus on mental health..."

"Okay, well, we could mandate mental health screenings for all children in public schools and..."

"What?!  You want to create a wasteful trillion-dollar government evil program to enslave my child's mind?  Our souls do not belong to you!  Tyranny!  Impeach Obama!"

You know that's how it'd go.  They do it all the time.

"Syria is falling apart!  Why hasn't Obama done something to stop the senseless bloodshed?"

"Okay, the US is going to arm the rebels and..."

"What?!  They're Islamists and Muslimists and all sort of Al-Qaeda!  Not one dime!  Isolationism!"

Sigh.

Also, just this morning, i heard a right-wing talker claim that global warming has been disproven through pure hard science.  Anyone who looks at the pure, hard science will come to the conclusion that the earth is not warming -- anyone who believes otherwise is beholden to an "ideology."

....and not five minutes later, he claimed that global warming can't exist because of GOD.  Because God knew beforehand "what we would be, what we would create" and would benevolently alter the composition of the atmosphere in response.

Which is funny.  If it weren't so stupid.

The talker in question, Michael Delgiornio of Nashville, is a fairly hefty guy.  I wonder if he eats cakes and pies and bacon casseroles because he knows that God will magically counteract any cholesterol in his veins?

 Probably.  Probably.

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Moar Franklin

Here's another gem of a quote from the exalted lord Benjamin...

"The Public has the Right of Regulating Descents & all other Conveyances of Property, and even of limiting the Quantity & the Uses of it. All the property that is necessary to a man for the conservation of the individual & the propagation of the species, is his natural right which none can justly deprive him of: But all property of the Public, who by their laws have created it, and who may therefore by other laws dispose of it, whenever the welfare of the Public shall demand such disposition. He that does not like civil society on these terms, let him retire & live among savages.—He can have no right to the benefits of society who will not pay his club towards the support of it"

Gosh, that guy sounds like a commie.  He's essentially saying that once you can afford your house, a horse, and enough food to feed your kids, everything else belongs to the public.

Don't get me wrong, i don't actually agree with that.  But holy hell, that's a good quote to throw at teabaggers when they claim that our Founders -- our noble, glowing, beneficient, godlike Founders -- were all libertarian Ayn Rand junkies who would shudder and weep at the thought of having corporate and capital gains taxes.

Ben Franklin, more socialist than the socialists!

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All about the Benjamin

 One thing i'm sick of hearing is that one quote by Benjamin Franklin -- you know the one, the one that every conservative is trotting out these days -- not just my buddy here.  The one that goes...

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.

 Oh, snap!  Case closed.  Governments should not be monitoring calls, nor searching people at airports, nor monitoring people in any way.  Because that takes away from freedom and adds to safety, and that's wrong.  It's wrong because Ben Franklin said so!  Everything that Ben Franklin ever said is automatically law, because he was the smartest and wisest person who ever lived.

Okay.  I can live with that. 

Dismantle the NSA.

But we have to follow Franklin's other quotes as well.  If you want to make Ben Franklin the sole arbiter of right and wrong in our country, i'm cool with that, i really am.  It's just too bad that when George Bush was fluffing the American populace for war with Iraq, no one stood up and pointed out that Franklin once said the following...

All Wars are Follies, very expensive, and very mischievous ones.

Boom!  Sorry, Bush.  No war for you.  It goes against the holy way of Franklin.  As for Christianity?
 
We hear of the conversion of water into wine at the marriage in Cana as of a miracle. But this conversion is, through the goodness of God, made every day before our eyes. Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards; there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.

You hear that, you superstitious motherfuckers?  The Bible is a fiction; Franklin says that only science matters -- the water cycle is superior to the mythic fables of Jebus.  That's just how it is.  And let's end with...

 He does not possess wealth; it possesses him.

See that?  Accumulated wealth is bad.  Franklin says so.  That does it; we must relieve the wealthy of their ill-gotten fortunes that possess them, and distribute them for the common weal.  It is the only way, the way of Franklin.

Franklin.  His word.  Is Law.

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Universe Next Door

I don't know if Edward Snowden is a hero or a zero.  I don't know how exactly i feel about this entire NSA affair.  I don't have it in me to jump up and scream "tyranny!" or "traitor!"

It's a complicated situation.

There's only one thing i know -- in the universe next door, Americans are OUTRAGED.  The media is aghast at the latest revelations coming from the whistleblowers.  For you see, a terrorist attack happened on American soil, and it was not stopped.  Now that the wreckage is being cleared and the bloody chunks of citizens are being buried, we're finding out that that the evil-doers who perpetrated this heinous deed were in constant communication with one another, making calls for months between New York and Riyadh, New York and Chicago, Chicago and Dubai.  It was all there in Verizon's databases but no one in the US government had access to this info.  For you see, President Obama shut down the NSA divisions that would have overseen this sort of thing.  He did this with great fanfare after taking office in 2009 -- declaring an end to to Bush abuses, an NSA program started in 2002, which had already cost 2 billion dollars, was scrapped to the delight of the ACLU and civil libertarians...

...and now here we are, twelve years after 9-11, still deaf and dumb to the threats facing the homeland.  How wrong we were to trust this clueless hippie, this flower child Obama, this moonbeam chaser, who naively believes that if we act nice to the world they'll be nice to us.  Does he not understand?  Does he not understand that every life lost in this recent attack is on HIS head and no other?  Calls from the right for Obama's resignation are increasing!  FOX News begins its impeachment countdown!

Sigh.

See, the reason Americans are never happy is because we want it all.  At all times.  We want freedom and security.  We want blind patriotism and virulent dissent. We want high returns and low interest rates.  We want low taxes and more services.  We want great taste and less filling, we want the cake and want to eat it, too.  It's all part of our character, to think that life can be perfect if only we make all the correct choices.  There is one right way and we SHALL find it.  It sounds like i'm criticizing America, but just the opposite.  This drive towards perfection is what makes our country awesome.  Other nations have put up with far worse tyrannies, far worse outrages, regimes and insanities that last decades, because there's always a majority of their population that will say, "this is necessary, this is just how life is, we can't hope for more than the glorious regime of General Krull."

Proceed, America.  Shoot for the stars, baby.  We'll get to the moon at least.

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Blam Blam Blam

Good lord.  If i could wave my hand and magically make Teabaggers aware of their grotesque tunnel vision, i would.  Maybe.  Take this recent phenomenon of kids being suspended from school for bringing Nerf guns, cap guns, and squirt guns to school -- or biting a Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun, or talking fondly of guns.

I totally agree that this is insane, and that the zero-tolerance policies of these dickweed teachers and fuckface principals are worthy of nothing but ridicule and scorn.  They should be shamed publicly, and pelted with snowballs, old batteries, dirty diapers, and banana peels full of hobo cum. (*Spoony ref.)

I think we can all agree on that.  

The part where we disagree is when teabag loons see this as some sort of coordinated leftist uber-plot to disarm the populace, that Obama is sitting at his desk and receiving calls -- what, Timmy Gooner made a Pop-Tart gun in Peoria?  Suspend!  

Ludicrous.  Sometimes a dickweed school official is just a dickweed school official.  This is the equivalent of tracking down a few cases where white Christians assult black people, and declaring that all churches are hotbeds of Racist Crime -- secret cells of the Right-Wing Negrocide Agenda!

See how silly that sounds?

When teabags focus like this on single incidents, i want to ask them -- hey, morons, what about the entertainment industry that you supposedly loathe for being too violent?  How is the communist conspiracy to "brainwash children into hating the very idea of guns" supposed to take root when kids can play an endless array of first-person shooting games and watch tons of bullet-filled Hollywood action movies, and listen to rap music that glorifies guns?  Rata-tat-tat?

Wasn't that the previous complaint, that kids were being turned into psychopathic gun nuts through the media?  If the entertainment industry is leftist, and leftists are trying to obliterate guns, then why do they allow the entertainment to overuse guns in every art form we have?

Hell, i just watched Wreck-It Ralph, the latest movie from Disney.  DISNEY.  As you might know, it features a Halo-like heroine named Sgt. Calhoun who rarely goes anywhere without her BFG, which she uses to blast baddies at a rate that would make Clint Eastwood jealous.  And the fact that she's voiced by and patterned after Jane Lynch makes it even more delightful.  And even though she does fall in love, she never renounces the gun and its awesome ability to slaughter waves of Cy-Bugs.

But no, kids aren't going to pay attention to movies and video games and music superstars, they're going to emulate the shriveled dickbag principal who squeals at them that guns are bad.  Don't you cretins realize that when authority figures tell kids that something is bad, it makes kids want whatever it is even more?

Gosh, teabaggers, you sure sound silly now.  All that ink you've spilled over this latest vast left-wing conspiracy seems like a waste.

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Nutsack registration

As a liberal, i obviously tend to envision the future optimistically and hope for a cleaner, more technologically-advanced world with well-ordered cities and a generally Star Trek-ish air.  I'm not holding out for teleporters and holodecks, but you know what i mean. A feature of this world would be an atmosphere of sexual freedom, in which people could engage in all manner of consensual relations with partners of their choosing, free of shame -- and that birth control would be perfected to a level in which children are not born accidentally, but are created by parents who genuinely want to have them.  This would lead hopefully to a gradual leveling-off of the world population, because isn't 10 billion people at any given time enough?

Say this to a conservative, and they begin to hallucinate some nightmare Gattaca scenario of state-created clone drones, mass abortion, sterilization, nutsack registration, booby gestapos, and the CRIMINALIZATION OF LOVE AND FREEDOM, OHHH NOOOOOOOOOO!

Silly, that.

See, conservatives have a different vision of how sex fits into human life.  It goes something like this:  when your penis gets hard or your vag gets excited, it's evil and you should ignore it because you're a dirty, sinful, perverted creature abhorred by the Sky God.  You should never fuck, but if you do, it's best done surreptiously and shamefully, maybe in the back of a car or in a hay loft.  And it won't be safe sex, because sex is evil but influencing the course of the wicked fluids is even MORE evil.  So just go with it. The only happy result of all this sticky sin is that she'll eventually get pregnant, and if she's a decent woman she'll marry you and fuck only you forever.  And if she doesn't, she's a slutful whore.  So you get married in the Sky God Temple, and the priest mutters some words that erase your sin, and turn you into good citizens.  And the accidental baby that you didn't want is followed by another, which means that your irresponsible ass gets a job at the sausage factory, because you weren't going to do anything interesting with your life anyway.  And so you work, and buy things, and spend one day a week at the Temple to atone for your further sins, and pump out many more babies, because at some point we're gonna have another war and the war machine will need some young bodies to feed it.  And don't forget, we gotta outbreed the Chinese and Muslins -- if there's a billion Muslins, we need two billion Amuricans, damnit!

Ah, the most beautiful life imaginable.  That is how life must be, and how it must be forever.

How dare you queers and libs and hippies and lesbian poets and masturbating fornicators not want that. 

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