Hildog

Last night while listening to the radio, i received the following warning.  Americans -- you don't understand the reality of the Clintons, the true reality, my friends.  Bill?  Bill is just a talented politician, a back-slapping glad-hander who's an inch-deep and a mile wide; he lucked into the presidency and was just there to savor the perks of the job.  He's an amiable fuzzy-wuzzy good old boy...

...but Hillary?  Hoo-boy.  She is, and always was, the nerve center of the Clinton dynasty.  She's the Machiavellian mastermind, the Mandarin, the Richelieu, the brutally-effective prime minister behind the figurehead.  Her mind is sharp and deadly.  She sees everything through her army of agents, like Littlefinger and the bald guy on Game of Thrones.  She knows all the players, all the angles, coldly analyzing them and moving them around the game board in a brilliant manner, an ever-changing and ever-growing battle that she is determined to win at all costs. No one except her close allies and worst enemies have any real idea how dangerous this woman really is.

Umm.

Good?

I'll vote for that.

It's only fair.

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I want some of what Mark Levin is smoking...

Seriously, i do.

Sometimes say something so stupid, so obviously mendacious and untrue, that i can barely process it.  I'm sitting here, listening to Mark Levin, and he claims...

...that everything went wrong about a hundred years ago.  That was when an "alien" way of thinking invaded America, a way of thinking in which people classified themselves not as individuals, but as members of "groups."  Instead of saying, "i am a human being," they started saying things like "i am a poor person" or "i am a woman" or "i am a black man" or "i am a Latino" or "i am a gay."

This was a crippling and catastrophic change, because before that, the USA was some sort of colorless, genderless, classless meritocracy where everyone was just "a human."

.....wait, what?

Has Mark Levin ever heard of... of... well, HISTORY? 

Like, ALL of AMERICAN HISTORY?

Look, Levin, start with Jim Crow and work your way backwards.  It just gets worse. 

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No Fat Kids

Conservatives still confuse me.

Quite frequently they will complain that children today are fat, lazy, and spoiled by indulgent parents who cater to their every whim.  What kids need today more than anything is discipline.  To be kicked outside and forced to do unpleasant things to build up their deficient characters....

...but hey, did you hear about what's going on with school lunches?  Ever since the government started mandating healthier lunches, a growing number of kids are avoiding them, bringing food from home, and throwing out the leafy green vegetables and whole grain breads....

...intolerable!  The conservative screams, that  our precious babies should ever to put in that position.  If they want to eat nothing but cheeseburgers and Mountain Dew, then that is their right as Americans. 

.....whut?  I thought... i mean, i just assumed... they'd say that kids need to eat the healthier food... that they were lucky to even have food... that they should listen to their parents... that personal responsibility including a healthy lifestyle must be brutally drilled into them to keep them away from Obamacare...

...no?  Really?  We should let kids eat whatever? 

Umm, okay.

My brain hurts.

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Switching chairs.

Looking back, it's a bit funny what have happened to the two parties over the last few decades.  Let's rewind back to the time when i first became aware of politics, somewhere around the Bush v. Dukakis election of 1988...

...the Republican Party was the party of strong national security.  They were the ones who "won" the Cold War, they were the warriors, the generals, the stalwart men guarding the battlements against foreign threats.  The Democrats, in contrast, were the besweatered professors, the kindly doofuses, the geeks and eggheads who would let the Russians sneak into the county and wreck up the joint.

Democrats lost elections because the average American would shrug and tell the exit poller "eh, i just feel safer with a Bush in charge, you know, like my kids are safer, i guess?"

So during the Clinton era, Democrats worked hard to overcome the wimp stigma and learned to beat their chests and rattle their sabers.  "If my Republican opponent is willing to bomb our enemies, i'll bomb them twice!  Come on, what you got?  Iraq?  We're going to war with Iraq?  Hell yeah, i'll vote for that shit -- America, yeah!"

Then 9-11 happened, and it sucked.  And Bush launched his wars, and they were utter disasters.  Pretty much every American realized how bad an idea it was to try to bring "freedom and democracy and the blessings of Baby Liberty Jesus" to nations that were little more than warring tribes tenuously united by strongmen.

The wars were so bad that Democrats started winning elections.  But they had spent the last 30 years trying to not look like wimps, so they had to keep that up.  They had to continue all the Patriot Act/NSA programs because, Jesus man, can you imagine what would happen if we ended all that crap and then a terrorist attack happened, and we were left looking stuffy professors blathering about Amendments and civil rights while American bodies burned?  We'd be Dukakis all over again, and we don't want that.  We're STRONG, damnit.

Meanwhile, the Republicans who used to worship Bush no longer speak that name.  And they've done a total 180-degree turn into John Birch-style anarchy and teabaggerism.  They want a cabin in the woods and a shotgun to keep the big bad government away.

Their leaders have jumped on this train, because its convenient to just oppose anything a Democratic administration does.  If the Democrats are for national security and breathing oxygen, then i'm for total anarchy and breathing nitrogen, damnit!

So here we are, in a political climate where Republicans are now whining about the big bad government having the ability to keep track of people, while the Democrats are accused of being iron-handed, skull-stacking tyrants who crave absolute power.

It's been quite a journey from Bush and Dukakis, it really has.

A warning to all teabaggers and freedom junkies -- just wait until the next time the Republican Party controls the White House.  It might be a while, because their candidates suck so badly that they thought a fat bully from Jersey was going to be the messiah.  But when it does happen?  Be ready.  Because the government security state, which will be bigger and scarier than it is now, will again be the tool of a strong and patriotic nation, odious only to terrorists and troublemakers.  And the only people clutching copies of the Constitution and whining about rights and amendments will be those weak, traitorous hippies who hate America and want the terrorists to win.

Just letting you know.


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Both of these Voices

You know, it's frustrating, being a regular guy from a poor family trying to make it in this crazy, mixed-up world.

Half of the voices you hear say the following: "The world is your oyster, baby!  If you work hard and stay focused, then you too can be a massive success.  You could be the next Steve Jobs, the next Mark Zuckerberg, the next Walt Disney!  The unlimited possibilities of America are totally open to you, like a Las Vegas buffet!  Where does your true calling lie?"

The other half say: "Uhhh... eeessshh.... yes, this dream of yours?  Listen, kid, there's a reason they're called dreams.  If they could exist, they'd be called "reals."  Now that you're in your thirties, you, ah, need to start thinking practically about your future, because the idea of getting your pie-in-the-sky job (that many people actually have) is just faerie dust that's preventing you from buying a house and starting that 401K."

Both of these voices suck.

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Brand New Year

Wow, it is frozen outside.  This is neat.  I'm one of those people that loves the cold.  Okay, sure, having to work at 3:00AM when it's 20 degrees outside gets a bit rough, but during the day?  When i'm taking my strangely cold-impervious Jackrat terrier on a chilly walk in the 35-degree weather?  Oh, it's heavenly.  I never want the winter to end.  But it will, so i just gotta enjoy these last few months of blissful cold before.... April.  April, when the bugs awaken.

Right now, i can't remember what 98 degree heat feels like.  Six months ago, i couldn't remember what 28 degree cold feels like.  It's a strange form of amnesia.

You know what?  2013 was a pretty damned good year for me.  I got a raise at my job.  I moved out of the moldy rathole and into a much nicer apartment.  I had more commission work than i could handle, and my night job didn't have any major upheavals.  Well, i lost my two great coworkers and they were replaced by one great coworker and one total dud, but i suppose these things happen.

Do i have resolutions?  You bet i do.  I've already pretty much given up cow milk for almond milk, and promise to continue to eat healthier.  Broccoli and salmon and avocados and onions, oh yes.  Garlic in everything.  More importantly, i'm going to FINALLY take some pauses in my Photoshop work to learn Illustrator and some other programs.  InDesign is probably a cinch, right?

I should also overcome my natural cheapskatery and buy a new tower, one with a 64-bit operating system.  That money does me no good sitting there in the credit union vault.

I would say i mean to be nicer to people and all that crap, but the truth is i'm already nice enough.  Maybe TOO nice. 

2014, people.  Let's do this.

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Dynasty of the Duck

You got a purty mouth.

Well, of course i have an opinion on the Duck Dynasty boondoggle, why wouldn't i?  And this is it.  Look, i'm as liberal as the next lib, but i also have thick skin and nothing this guy says is going to "offend" me.   People are more interesting when they are allowed to speak their minds.  So let Phil be Phil.  Let Eminem be Eminem.  Let Stern be Stern.  Let Carlin be Carlin.  And let's live with it, okay?  I'm tired of living in a culture where we're supposed to be "shocked and appalled" at every salty thing that every bearded weirdo mutters. 

Let it be, man.  A&E should hire Phil back.  And let him do what he wants.  Heck, if he wants to march around in Klan robes and hurl empty whiskey bottles at the TV every time Adam Lambert appears onscreen, let him.

It would make the show more interesting.

You know what does offend me?

That the insecure white man brigade is using this to fluff themselves up and stroke their persecution complex yet again.  And that is always offensive.  Look, if it were the other way around -- if a gay reality star was being suspending for saying he couldn't understand why people go to church, people must be gross and dumb to do that -- then these same people would say "hey, this has nothing to do with persecution.  This is just a PRIVATE company exercising their right to promote whom they want on their network.  The fact that this guy is trying to make it about all gay people is just sad and wrong." 

But if it's one of THEIR guys?  Well, it's all about persecution from a shadowy force.  Just listen to this slop from Pat Archbold, who found the angle to maximize his audience's feelings of injustice and rage...

"This is what happened.  The whole idea of the show was to parade these nouveau riche Christian hillbillies around so that we could laugh at them. "Look at them," we were supposed to say.  "Look how backward they are!  Look what they believe!  Can you believe they really live this way and believe this stuff?  See how they don't fit in? HAHAHA."  They tried to get the Robertson's to tone down their Christianity, but to their eternal credit they refused.  They tried to add fake cussin' to the show by inserting bleeps where no cussword was uttered.  At best, they wanted to make the Robertson's look like crass buffoons. At worst they wanted them to look like hypocrites.  They desperately wanted us to laugh at the Robertsons.  Instead, we loved them.  A&E wanted us to point fingers at them and laugh at them.  But something else happened entirely.  Millions upon millions of people tuned in, not to laugh at them, but to laugh with them. And then we pointed at them.  We pointed at them and said things like, "I wish my family was more like them.  I wish we prayed together as a family.  I wish we were together like the Robertsons."  By the time this all happened, A&E had a conundrum.  They knew who the Robertsons were and what they believe and they still held it in disdain.  But they really liked the money.  Really liked the money. So they lived with it.  But the progressives whose bank accounts were not growing fatter because of these backward rubes were never inclined to look the other way.  They hate the show and they really hate the response to the show.  They want it destroyed."

 ....what a load.

Notice how he starts with "this is what happened?"  He does that because he's telling us what he wants to have happened.  Notice that there's no anonymous network source here, no quotes, no evidence of any sort.  Nah, he just assures you, sans evidence, that this is a case of honest, awesome folks who became unexpectedly successful ('coz God loves 'em) and are now being set upon and hounded by a few bizarre, shrunken demons in suits who cannot tolerate their essential goodness.  How does he know what the "whole idea" of the show was?  How does he know that it changed?  How does he know that "progressives" are in charge of A&E's department of development?  How does he know it's not a case of normal businesspeople trying to rein in their star before he damages their fluffy, family-friendly brand, because they default position of any capitalist enterprise these days is "offend nobody?"

He doesn't.  He's just guessing. 

The important thing is, the Duck lovers out there get to feel nice and persecuted.  This isn't about ONE guy saying dumb things, this isn't about ONE man who has to be accountable to his bosses' demands or else lose his job -- this is about a hatred for THEIR way of life and ALL of them.

Group politics.  When gay people, or black people, or women, or any other group of people think this way, it's wrong.  When they do it?  They don't mind it at all.  

Lame.

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This is what happened. The whole idea of the show was to parade these nouveau riche Christian hillbillies around so that we could laugh at them. “Look at them,” we were supposed to say. “Look how backward they are! Look what they believe! Can you believe they really live this way and believe this stuff? See how they don’t fit in? HAHAHA” When the producers saw the way the show was shaping up, different than they envisioned it, they tried to change course. They tried to get the Robertson’s to tone down their Christianity, but to their eternal credit they refused. They tried to add fake cussin’ to the show by inserting bleeps where no cussword was uttered. At best, they wanted to make the Robertson’s look like crass buffoons. At worst they wanted them to look like hypocrites.
They desperately wanted us to laugh at the Robertsons. Instead, we loved them.
A&E wanted us to point fingers at them and laugh at them. But something else happened entirely. Millions upon millions of people tuned in, not to laugh at them, but to laugh with them.
And then we pointed at them. We pointed at them and said things like, “I wish my family was more like them. I wish we prayed together as a family. I wish we were together like the Robertsons.”
By the time this all happened, A&E had a conundrum. They knew who the Robertsons were and what they believe and they still held it in disdain. But they really liked the money. Really liked the money. So they lived with it.
But the progressives whose bank accounts were not growing fatter because of these backward rubes were never inclined to look the other way. They hate the show and they really hate the response to the show. They want it destroyed.
- See more at: http://proteinwisdom.com/#sthash.XxJJDCbb.dpuf

(Too sick with the flu to write anything coherent.)

What the hell happened to us?

What happened to the American Dream?

....what happened to the American Dream?

It came true.  You're lookin' at it.

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Glory Days of Couch Potatage

You know, life sucks.  I work a normal job just like most people, and i generally get a day or two off per week.  The tragic irony is that my days off are so much busier than my days on.  I wake up, walk our dogs, and then begin a mad orgy of laundration, meal cookery, vacuumage, and other randomized chorework before settling down about halfway through the day and drawing for seven hours, because i'm a freelance artist and there's always something to be done.  All while giving the dogs regular walks.  The day is over and done before i know it.

If i'm lucky, i'll have enough time to slip in one episode of whatever current show i'm watching.  (Right now, it's Darker Than Black.)  And even then, i have to FORCE myself to sit still and watch it without checking my messages or getting up to clean something.  I think i've lost my ability to zone out completely.  I fantasize about spending a day off doing nothing but sitting around in unclean shorts, playing videogames, eating Hot Pockets, and watching television mindlessly.  Man, does that ever sound sweet... remember television?  Remember being a kid and vegging out on television for long periods of time?  I'm not sure how i ever had time for that, because i must have had a pretty brutal schedule of school, doing homework, playing with friends, drawing, reading, and beating every 8-bit NES game that came within reach of my fingers.  Even so, there were those languid afternoon stretches of brainless TV absorbtion, because i distinctly recall seeing many episodes of Bewitched, The Price is Right, Head of the Class, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, DuckTales, Step By Step, Saved by the Bell, Perfect Strangers, The Beverly Hillbillies, Wheel of Fortune, and yes, even some Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.  

....how bored must we have been to watch that stuff?  Not to mention all the movies.  Oh, look, Ghostbusters II is on... i've already seen it three times, but i might as well watch it again, it's not bad i guess. 

Where did we ever get the time?  Seems so gloriously lazy and unstructured now.  I haven't even been able to start watching The Sopranos and Game of Thrones because, damnit, there is no time.  I have those slotted in for 2014.

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That's why you're still kids, you're stupid.

Okay, i don't normally comment on stuff like this, but this picture caught my eye while i was randomly flitting about the internet on this chilly, cloudy Thanksgiving Eve Eve....

....this is a photo of One Direction, currently the biggest and most profitable boy band on the planet.  I've seen female coworkers swoon over their songs, but i had no idea they looked like that.  What... the... fuck.  They look.... so.... i mean, is it just me?  Or do they just look incredibly weird and lame?  Is this what preteen girls currently fap to?

I mean, jeez.  Backstreet Boys, N*Sync, i could see the appeal of those groups, even if i didn't like their music.  But look at those guys.  They look like... what do they look like, Jimmy?

Dorks.

Yeah, they look like dorks.

I really do not understand anything anymore.

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The Prism of Reality

It's true what they say, it really all is in the eye of the old beholder, ain't it?  Reality is elastic, entirely dependent upon the consciousness observing it.... at least, that's the conclusion i have to make after hearing about this "Knockout Game" bullshit on the news this morning.  You've heard that crap, right?  These random thuggy kids walk up and smack the shit out of random people on the street for kicks and film it?

My reaction is this:

"What a bunch of assholes.  I blame that WorldStarHipHop website.  Kids have always been dumb and violent, but never before have they had the chance to be dumb and violent in front of millions of people who applaud their dumb violence.  Idiots!"

Then i listen to Michael Savage, and his reaction is thus:

"This is happening because of Obama, and Oprah, but mostly Obama!  These black kids are striking out because Obama tells them to, he wants to make them into his Greenshirt Army, quick, play that clip from 2009 where Obama called for a "civilian service corps" which is like the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia who were organized by college-lib-educated Pol Pot socialist communist dictator with red scarves!  Soon no white person will be able to leave the house without being bludgeoned to death by angry strong black kids wearing Obama uniforms and carrying lengths of pipe to beat us all to death, waaaaarrrgh!" [ Paraphrase]

Really.

And i just cock my head to the side like a confused squid.

"Well... I suppose you could go that route with it."

Different realities.  Which is valid?  Who can say.  Who really can say. 

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Puppies and puppies and even more dogs

Ain't he beautiful?

One thing i love is dogs.  Almost all of them.  We have three dogs.  That dog pictured there?  One of my dogs.  He's kinda old and stinky but we love him anyway.

I love dogs so much that it pisses me off when people are bad dog owners.  Nothing that the government can do even comes close.  The main thing that grinds my gears is when people get it in their heads that they want a dog, and make plans to get a dog, and it's just abundantly clear that they probably shouldn't.  The main red flag is when a guy says he wants a pit bull, you know a really big tough one, like those rappers have?  Or when a girl says they want a little teacup chihuahua, you know, a teensy-little-tiny-bitty one.

You already know that this person wants the dog as a fashion accessory, and will pay attention to it about one hour a day, when friends are over, if that.  The dog will spend the other 23 hours a day locked in a garage or shut up in a spare bathroom.  It will rarely interact with other dogs.  It will be lonely and desperate.

I've seen it.  It pisses me off.

People don't realize that dogs need attention.  We have three dogs, and between me, my brother, and his girlfriend, there is almost always someone here to take care of them.  Only rarely do they have to be caged, if the carpets are being cleaned or what have you.  And they get to run around everywhere.  Does this mean having to vacuum up some dog hair every week?   Do things occasionally get chewed on?  Sure.  But those are the breaks.  If you care more about your decorative throw pillows than your dog, then don't get a dog.  If you're not willing to conceal every cord in your house so they aren't within the dog's chewing radius, then don't get a dog.

If you plan on keeping the dog outside in a pen all year, even when its 19 degrees out, you suck.

One time, my Muslim coworker asked me if i had any questions about Islam.  "It's like Ask a Black Guy," he goofed, "except it's Ask a Muslim!"  I knew i was treading on delicate ground because you know i like to be PC within reasonable limits.  The only thing i could think to ask him was -- why are dogs thought of poorly in the Muslim world sometimes?  Why are they not man's best friend?  He said something about how the Koran labels dogs as unclean, and that if a dog licks your hand, you have to wash it seven times.  And then use sanitizer, i would imagine.

And i said, man, that's not how we do things here in America.

Dogs.  I like dogs.

It's my day off right now, and i'll be working my dogs around five times.  The youngest one will want to play tug-of-war when the sun comes up.  Mostly, they will laze around while i draw and work.

It's a good life.

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