Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Dark Knight Rises

I've seen The Dark Knight Rises at least five times by now.  Mostly, i love the damned thing, and i think that a lot of the complaints and nitpicks that people have about it are stupid.

But how did Bruce get back into the City when all the bridges were out?

Uh, by being the goddamned Batman, that's how.  He probably bought some heated scuba gear and one of those little scuba thingies that propel you through the water, and he scuba-dived in at night to a remote pier.  Do you really need to see that?

Why are his knees so damaged?  Why the cane?

Because he fell off two buildings in last movie, ya maroon!

Sigh.  But i have my own nitpicks.  Two things really bug me about this movie.  The first one -- when Roland, er, John Daggett casually mentions...

"Your hit on the stock exchange didn't work, my friend! And now you've got my construction crews going all around the city..."

What, really? This Daggett guy, he hired Bane to do one specific job -- but at some point, Bane said "Hey, let me use your concrete-pouring company to do some mysterious stuff all over the city. It will take months, cost a fortune, and be highly suspect, but i promise it will pay off later. It will be a surprise! Just trust me on this one."

"Hell, no, if you want to do that, you have to tell me exactly what my trucks will be used for."

"Okay. At some point, i will grow to be such a threat that Gordon will send nearly every cop down into the sewers to find me. Then we shall blow the concrete and trap them all down there. I know that they shall do this, rather than, say, send a few SWAT teams after me, because i am 1/4 gypsy and thus have remarkable fortunetelling abilities."

Sheesh. Instead of the sewer plot, why not just blow up all the major police stations, leading the police to disperse, and establishing that most of the cops are like that Foley guy and hiding for fear of being killed?  And then they'd all be inspired at the end and show up for the showdown?

My main complain, though, is... Bane's death.  It's horrible.  My god. Christopher Nolan, this is so easy. Here's what you do.  Batman fights Bane, Bane suffers a mortal injury - stabbed through the guts or whatever. He's dying, slowly.  Talia stabs Bruce, and then removes Bane's mask -- because he's dying and won't need it, see -- and reveals Tom Hardy's handsome little face, ruined by scars and patches of pale white flesh where his mask was. She gives her speech about his tragic past while he slowly wheezes and fades. Bane gets one or two heartfelt lines about his love for Talia or some recognition of his twisted fate, something about him having regrets, or no regrets, delivered in his normal, unamplified voice, and he looks pitiful and human and sad. He dies. Talia leaves and then Catwoman blows in and saves Bruce from two of the random thugs who are about to kill him.

And leave everything else the same.

So easy. My god, if those two things could be changed, this movie would be so perfect.

Friday, December 21, 2012

The Hobbit!

 Mostly i loved it. Like the other movies, the fast-paced action and relative narrative swiftness clash with the lush and ancient Tolkien-world already fully constructed in my mind. Seriously, if you didn't grow up as a Tolkien fan, you don't really know the space in my head that this world and these characters inhabit. Most people will find something when they're ten or twelve years old that just blows your mind and nests there forever. It might be the Bible, or the Koran, or the music of Radiohead, or Harry Potter, or crazy punk rock, or Star Wars, or Star Trek, or Wicca, or whatever. It just finds you at the right time and it claims your life. Tolkien was that for me.

Anyway, this movie is EPIC. It's epic as FUCK. Probably too epic. They have the charming little book as their blueprint, but Peter Jackson clearly wants to outdo the original trilogy in size and majesty. Sure, okay, but now the original movies are probably going to look twee compared to these juggernauts. People complain that this movie is bloated and ponderous and includes too many nerdly details that only interest the hardcore geeks like me... and they're right. And i love it. But it almost sucks, because now i want to see what Jackson could have done with the original trilogy if he'd had this sort of absolute creative control back then. We could have had Tom Bombadil, the Barrow Wights, the full Voice of Saruman scene, man.

The people who complain about the "slow pace" are dumb. I like the slow parts. Gandalf consulting with the other Wizened Wise against a gorgeous backdrop? Those are the moments i love. When they're running and fighting and stabbing, that's when i get bored and wait for the next slow and brooding part.

The audience audibly gasped and shifted to attention when Gollum showed up near the end. That was cool. Gollum has fans.

Radagast the Brown has a bird's nest in his hair, bird shit plastered to one side of his face, and a sleigh pulled by rabbits. I am strangely okay with this. The scene with him and the dying hedgehog was one of my favorites, and it made me sad that i had to leave Luna at home to see this movie.

Gandalf says that he can't quite remember the names of the two blue wizards... dude! Alatar and Pallando, also known as Morinehtar and Romestamo. Everyone knows that.

By far the worst part of the movie was the Goblin King's too-human voice and the line "What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do now, eh? ....oh! Well, that'd do it." That was just the worst villain death i've ever seen in any movie ever.

Anyway, i liked The Hobbit.

Before the movie there was a long trailer for a new Tom Cruise movie called Oblivion where Tom Cruise plays Tom Cruise in an epic post-apocalyptic space fantasy. And his character is named Jack Harper instead of Jack Reacher. While watching the preview i realized that Tom Cruise cannot be stopped ever. He's been playing the dashing lead for 30 years. He'll probably do it for another 10, and then transition to playing the grizzled mentor, the aloof general, the aging hardass. He will continue. For a long time. In a few decades, i'll be an oldish man. I'll be having problems with my prostate and grey stubble and wrinkles, but wherever i am, Tom Cruise will still be in movies. I'll be an old guy sitting in a theater, and i'll see "Tom Cruise is... Jack Snatcher, Time Ninja. Fall, 2034. The Future is Unkillable."

Tom Cruise. There's no getting around him at this point.





Tuesday, December 18, 2012


I'm not against guns. Not really. There are countries in the world that have tons of guns and a near total lack of gun violence. I completely agree with the Amazing Atheist's argument that any sort of comprehensive gun ban would be an even worse idea than banning drugs; guns would still be everywhere, and our prisons would be full of otherwise law-abiding people guilty of "buying firearms with the intent to distribute." It would be the worst move ever. Obama's not going to do anything of the sort, so quit worrying.

But i want to give the emotionally-overwrought anti-gun people the benefit of the doubt. I think they realize that if they maximize their efforts, create an apocalyptic scenario in whichsomething must be done, and turn the tide of American public opinion as far against guns as it possibly can go, then...

...they might get some restrictions on clip capacity, maybe close the gun show loophole. That's the most they could do.

The problem with America is fucking Americans. Americans can ruin anything. You know this is true. And we've ruined guns just like we've ruined lots of other things that should be really easy to figure out.

Sports?

Sports are great, exercise and healthy competition, a cornerstone of human activity since the dawn of time, you can't have a world without sports. But what is our most popular sport? Football. A sport that forces bulked-up players to smash their heads together for no real reason, leading to nasty, brutish, and short careers, before they all retire at 35 and end up as brain-damaged sad sacks. The media is figuring this out just now, despite the long history of the stock comedic character of the football player (or boxer) who "took too many hits" and runs a restaurant where he stumbles about in a blazer embarrassing himself in front of diners. And to top it all off, football remains the most excruciatingly boring sport to watch, ever. Tennis? Gymnastics? Ice skating? Soccer? Fuck that gay shit, we're Americans. We want football. I want to see those giant motherfuckers ram heads until their brains are floating around in pools of blood, yeah!

Food.

Food is essential. Our entire human story has been based on the production of food, which until recently has usually been in short supply. In America, for the first time ever, we have the means to produce enough food to feed everyone... and we fuck it up. We make greasy hamburgers on bleached white crap bread the standard, accompanied by fat-drenched fries, snack cakes, oversalted chips, and Coke. Coke -- a substance containing no nutritional value, just so much goddamned corn syrup that your body would reflexively vomit it back up if the cloying sweetness wasn't moderated by some phosphoric acid. Yeah, Coke. Let's make that the default drink. That would ruin everything. Fuck yeah.

And we've done the same thing with guns. Perfectly reasonable tools for hunting and self-defense, right? Sure, until rappers use them as badges and fashion accessories. Until they're fired over and over again in so many movies that most people will knit their brows in bafflement when told that most police officers will retire without ever firing their gun at anybody. Seriously, most do.

See, when Krysten says she wants a gun because roving fuckheads have broken into her house, that's an argument i get. That's perfectly reasonable...

...but when panicky rednecks start stockpiling them because they suffer from apocalyptic delusions of "inner-city youths" going crazy and overrunning the suburbs after a future Republican president cuts off their EBT benefits? That shit ruins everything. I'll never forget my brother's idiotic gun-hoarding racist buddy who bragged about the gun he kept in his driver's side door, saying...

"Man, i wish some n*gger would just walk up to me one day and try to start shit. I fucking wish that would happen."

...that's the stuff that turns me back into a hippie.

I mean, you have these 55-year old conservatives who, on their blogs, reminisce about being the high school tough guy and roaring around town in a pick-up truck with their drinking buddies like the seniors from Dazed and Confused, living life all reckless and terrorizing the wimps and the faggots. But now they're old and weak, and are scared of all these muscly young men, many of whom are black and scary, who are sauntering around and doing what they did thirty years ago. So they buy guns, and carry guns, and go to messageboards and assure one another that if any of those young guys gets out of line, they'll fucking whip out their gun and blow them the fuck away...

...and then they'll get all misty-eyed and talk about John Wayne and Dirty Harry, and how sad it is that kids these days don't have those real men to show them how to live and watch all this pussy faggot Harry Potter shit instead.

And yeah, a lot of those young black guys are also carrying guns, because everyone knows that guns make you cool. If the old white people have them, why not me?

Americans. We can ruin anything.
I don't blame guns.  I blame Americans.




Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I'm rubber and you're glue.


Why do conservatives always pull out some inane variation of "everything you know is wrong?"

We're not racists, it's the people fighting racism who are the real racists.

We're not theocrats, it's the people who don't believe in religion who are the real theocrats.

Rednecks who stockpile guns and scream about watering the Tree of Liberty aren't violent -- it's the hippies and peaceniks who are the real violent ones.

Sigh.

I sometimes wish things worked that way, so that barbecued spareribs could be the real health food, and grapefruits were the real junk food.

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Thursday, December 06, 2012

The Deadly Hollows


The old man slowly paced the perimeter of his small cell, his head bowed and his withered hands held before him. Every now and again he would halt and press them together, a look of weary concentration on his face, as he tried to feel any twinge or trace of the old magic. A slight tingle? Was it there, or was it just another false shadow, a phantom of wishful thinking? No, it was there, he felt it...

"We were so stupid, so blind..." he murmured to himself as he resumed his shuffling. Again and again his thoughts returned to the past, to the long stretch of years that had led him to this bitter place. After the end of the Second War in 1997... or was it 1998? We thought it was all over, he thought wearily. We thought we were safe, that no threat like him would ever arise again. So we rebuilt our little world, mourned for the dead, and went on with our lives. The next decade was a happy blur... getting married, our first children, starting our careers, building the house... we were all so busy and content that we never noticed what was going on outside.

There were warnings but we ignored them. Those of us who had one foot in the other world sensed that things were changing, but we never dreamed they would go as far as they did, as fast as they did. By 2020, they had the whole of the planet mapped and on the implacable grid. By 2025, neutron energy and collapsed space technologies emerged seemingly out of nowhere. And by 2030... that was when we began to take note, but it was too late by then. The silly, stupid humans that we had mocked and thought harmless, whom we had always dazzled and fooled with our ways... they had changed. They gave themselves cybernetic limbs and augmented their minds with computers, they spliced their genes and halted the aging process. They became ruthless, intelligent, with spirits as pure and as hard as diamond. And the entire world became theirs.
We were always outnumbered, but for the first time we were outclassed. Such battles there were, and we lost nearly all. In the end, they took our greatest weapon and turned it against us. Magic, that most ancient of mysteries, was finally dissected. It was ripped apart, analyzed, and replicated. The bioelectric plasmic effect they call it now. And they control it now, as they control everything...

..again he raised his hands and focused, and felt the tingle return, a tiny spark of his former glory. His tolerance to the dampening medications must be increasing. By pure force of will he was beginning to overcome them, to reignite the fire that once burned wild and free.

He heard footsteps then and the series of whirring clicks that indicated that someone was approaching the door. Was it that time again so soon? He squared himself and prepared to bravely face the grim floor warden, or perhaps someone worse. But when the door swooshed open he trembled at the sight of his visitor. It was her. But she had been utterly transformed. When they had last met, she had been a slouched and greying middle-aged woman. Now she looked sprightly and slim, a facsimile of her long-vanished youth. Her skin glistened with a glimmer of silver, and her slender limbs moved with effortless precision beneath a form-fitting suit of gleaming armor. Her hair, woven of metal strands, flowed behind her. She was startlingly beautiful, but it was a cold and dangerous beauty. He knew that he was seeing one of the first new full-body conversions.

"Hello, Harry."

"Hermione."

A polished badge on her chestplate read "Hermi:O.N.E." He glanced at it, and muttered "cute."

"It's a bit daft, but fitting" she said with a smirk. "for i am one of the first of the dawning age."

"How nice for you, then."

"There is still time, Harry," she said, her voice calm. "You can join us. I have far more authority than i did the last time we spoke. Your crimes against the New Order can be erased, quite easily. You can be given a new identity, a new body, such as mine. It is time to forget the old ways, Harry. There is no other logical choice. Please, Harry? All i need is your consent, and i can arrange it all. You have thought that your life is nearing an end and have perhaps become accustomed to the darkness in which you live. But i tell you that a rebirth beyond your wildest imaginings awaits, if only you are sensible enough... and brave enough to accept it."

He had expected this. He had already made his choice.

"Where's Ron?" he inquired.

Even through her artificial silver eyes, he saw a flicker, a sign of the horrible truth. She almost stammered, then her face became an expressionless mask, eyes narrowed.

"I see," he said in a weary voice, "and i tell you, Hermione, or Hermi:O.N.E., or whatever you call yourself, that i will never join you. I will rot in the blackest depths of Hell before i forgive these.... MUGGLES!" He spat the long-forbidden word with surprising vehemence.

She stepped back from him, sensing the energy that was building up in his ancient body. A blue glow surrounded him like a halo, and he spread his arms and looked upward to the unseen sky. A shaft of deathly light erupted from somewhere inside him, ripping through his throat with a violent scream. He slumped to the floor, dead, his blood pooling on the clean plastic floor.

Hermi:O.N.E. considered the corpse for a few moments. Before summoning the staff, she bent and touched his forehead with a finger, and within seconds had a complete map of his DNA contained safely within her memory banks.

Sentimentality, she told herself. But one never knew. Poor Harry, always getting into trouble without her. She'd get him out of this one whether he liked it or not.

"The master of death? We shall see, Harry, we shall see."



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Tuesday, December 04, 2012

The Dark Tower


I love the Dark Tower series.  I really do. It's so popular and beloved and shit that i don't want to gush over it too much and seem like a sheep. But damnit, i'm gonna. There's just something about this tale that resonates with me. It's funny, i had people describe these books to me before, and they always sounded like cliched science fiction crap. And so many elements are derivative. But they don't seem that way when you're reading them. The details of this fading, rotten, winding-down, junked-out universe are so vivid and imaginative. The shit feels real somehow and there are so many rough edges and unanswered questions. Why is Maturin the Turtle some kind of benevolent godlike being, but Shardik the Bear is a manufactured cybernetic monstrosity? How do these things make sense together?

When i started reading the series, i wasn't that impressed until the part where Jack Mort appeared and the narrative doubled back on itself until the double-universe dilemma with Jake was solved. That's when i began loving it.

There are a few parts here and there that i dislike. I'm not a fan of the Emerald City sequence. I hated how Roland got his own copy of Insomnia and then gave it away without bothering to at least scan it for clues. I really wish that the Wolves didn't look like Dr. Doom or carry lightsabers. And i kind of wish that Harry Potter didn't have his own brand of sneetches. What was up with that? I have no idea how well King and Rowling know each other, but his Potter plugs seemed like the equivalent of an older guy sending a younger woman a drink and then catching her eye across the room and making the "call me!" motion with his hand. I dunno, man.

My least favorite part of all was when Jake and Oy switched minds to get past the imaginary dinosaurs because it's a far-fetched solution to a problem that didn't need to be introduced. I didn't like the repetition of "bodacious ta-tas" in that same part. Man, when Stephen King gets ahold of a slang term that he likes, he just doesn't let it go. But it's hard to stay peeved when a few chapters later, Jake's funeral caused a mighty lump in my throat. Damn you, King, i didn't think a fictional book could still DO that to me. Songs, maybe, but a book?

I really don't get the criticisms that some fans have. I generally assume that people are smarter than i am, and that they were imagining something far more dignified and artsy. But then i see their comments online and realize... no, wait, they wanted this series to be MORE predictable and trite, not less. They wanted the Crimson King to have armies, and for Mordred to kill his father and seize the throne, and for Maerlyn to appear from nowhere, and for Walter to be waiting in the valley by the Tower and say "Muah ha! Now comes our final battle, Roland! Prepare yourself for the emergence of a doom!" and then they engage in some huge psychic battle that Roland wins by remembering some lost piece of Gilead wisdom...

..and that would have been lame. Lame, lame, lame.

What don't these people understand? The brilliance of this story is how the plot is an epic reflection of a man's life. We don't need to know more about the geography of Gilead, or how many gunslingers there were, or what they did. The brief flashbacks to Gilead represent his fleeting memories of childhood, when mom and dad are giants and the world seems mostly perfect. Roland's time in the desert is his pissed-off twentysomething era, and it includs some freaky meaningless sex and a psychedelic trip where he talks about the nature of the universe with some dangerous drug dealer for hours on end. The whole of Wizard and Glass is his mid-life crisis, where he moons about his perfect first girlfriend and his old high school buddies who were so much cooler than his current coworkers. When he reaches the Callas, he's largely made peace with his past and calmly goes about completing his life's work. He has to keep track of the kiddies and make sure everything goes smoothly. By the last book, his life has resulted in this huge legacy -- the Tet Corporation -- that springs up in his wake, and he gets his golden watch before setting out on the last journey.

Readers complain that "the Roland i know" would have never been fooled and almost killed by Dandelo. But that's in his old age, where he starts to lose his grip a bit. He also pouts, and begs, and does other uncharacteristic things because he's almost at the end of his "life," and very few people are as rough and tough as senior citizens as they were in their youth. That's also why it makes so much sense for all three main villains to peter out and die in an "anticlimactic" fashion. It just feels real. He never gets his final battle with Walter because life is never that neat. The Crimson King, like any billionaire or dictator or politician, is just a power-mad control freak trying to fuck up his enemies from afar. And Mordred, the destined king of all darkness, ends up being a moody Columbine kid who dies of food poisoning? That's.... strangely awesome.

The ending.  [Spoilers]

I fucking love the ending. It's brilliant for many reasons. From purely a plot perspective, it's like King takes one ray of light and sends it through a crystal until it separates into an infinite number of smaller rays. We can imagine what happened all the other times that Roland goes through the ka-hole and starts his journey again, since each time is apparently a bit different. What happened all those other times? Was there a go-round where they had to find a way to defeat Blaine that didn't involve Eddie's bad jokes? Did they ever just circle around Lud as someone suggested? Were there times when Roland didn't find Patrick Danville and had to figure out another way to beat the Crimson King? Think of all the close shaves, all the times that Roland came within inches of death. But no matter how close he comes to failing, he always makes it through somehow, over and over.

You can kind of imagine Roland's first time through the loop, where he's a total cold asshole who leaves Eddie to die on the beach, kills Detta Walker just to be safe, and grudgingly saves Jake and has him tag along as a reluctant squire, the two only beginning to like one another by the story's end. And you can imagine his final journey, where he finally wises up and keeps Jake from falling and ends his cycle forever...

...wait, can he even do that? If Roland ever saved Jake and let Walter go, then presumably he'd never save the Beams and the Tower would fall, ending all creation. So he has to keep making the "wrong" choice again and again, because if he ever gets it right, that's it for the universe. Roland has to keep going for as long as the universe lasts because it can't last without him. Whoa, man.

It just all makes sense somehow. If Buddha-like wisdom comes from finding eternity in a moment and always being content with where you are, then Roland is the opposite of all that. He's the perfect, trapped, driven Western man. Always advancing, always on a quest, never happy where he is. He's always remembering his lost past or thinking ahead to his goal which will justify everything. I think it's hard to live in modern times and not relate to this story since nearly everything we do is just to get to somewhere else. We all have our own personal dark towers... mine, of course, is "being an artist." Why? For money? Money to buy food and shelter? To get to some final goal or place? Nope... it's just something that's going to define my life whether i like it or not. No matter how much i draw, it's never enough. Shit never ends.

Another way to look at the ending is to disregard the metaphor and look at it as speculative sci-fi... dude, what if those old Hindu notions of karma and reincarnation weren't just intoxicated mysticism but rather glimpses of the multiverse hypothesis that science is just starting to explore? What if reality really looked this way, and we're all living countless, exhausting parallel lives?

That would be amazing and fucking horrible at the same time. And whatever the true nature of reality is, i have no doubt that it IS amazing and horrible.

Anyway, my favorite book was probably either The Waste Lands or The Dark Tower. Least favorite? Song of Susannah, obviously. I understand that King just published an eighth Dark Tower book called The Wind in the Keyhole, and i'll get around to it eventually. It sounds kind of... not essential, since it's just another long flashback.

Meanwhile, my King bender has continued through Salem's Lot, The Dead Zone, The Tommyknockers, Eyes of the Dragon, and soon on to The Talisman and Black House.

I'm not going to read all of his books. That would just be crazy.





Sunday, December 02, 2012

The Zero state


I just read the most amazing political rant. No words can preface this glory. Check this out....

"Whether individually or collectively, man’s trajectory can be seen as a simply geometric ray, with one end rooted in an annihilation by complete oppression — a spiritual or physical zero state — and the other end free to rise as high as the spirit can rise, which in the abstract is unbounded. This simple model is seen throughout the human experience; throughout the mind’s exploration of its matrix — on any and all levels we either lead apart in individualism and progress, or we are led together in a collective captivity. The organized, “progressive” left simply wishes a kind of ordered, enforced, inescapable zero state; that characteristic cesspool of envy and covetousness and the theft of anything they can creep over and consume.

The truly free, on the other hand, point a way to the highest ideals and principles the mind can construct. There we can be boundless under God. In fact, there we can imagine and touch God.

How the left would use the greatest evident, ideological failure in mankind’s history to erect yet another experiment in statism on the obliterated foundations of is a testament to the nature of evil; evil being most fundamentally apathy and sloth. These leftist tells are synonymous with the left’s characteristic, historical envy and theft, which are naturally bound up in its enticing, concealing, familiar lie.

But how the rest of us would allow this to occur and occur again is a testament to the fear they’ve instilled in us to be very importantly other than what we must be. It is thereby significantly more difficult to treat rot and decay than to be rot and decay and it’s past time a complacent right got this dynamic back in its sights and resolved itself to do that eternally more difficult task. The right must restore liberty against an active and very expert opposition, and this will certainly require enormous effort, resource, and human capital. Look at how far The Lie has taken them this time!

None of the situation we find ourselves in is about the contemporary failure of our political opposites. Given what we know about ourselves by way of the hundreds of millions of lives they have cost mankind, they have succeeded quite brilliantly in foisting on us again what must never be allowed to reoccur."


....my god.

It's all so clear now. I must escape the zero-state abyss that the Democrats desire to reduce me unto. I must realign the matrix of my mind-ray to be more congruent with the geometry of the boundless god. I must un-happen the destiny which will then fail to reoccur. I must... vote for Newt Gingrich. Only he can make my spirit soar to its infinite capacity. My brothers and sisters, it is the only way.

Join us.





Friday, November 30, 2012

Mohammed Jihad

I hate to even admit this, but i went ahead and deleted a comical Mohammed picture from my art website that i posted way back in 2010.  It was just a copy of Mohammad as he appeared in the Super Best Friends episode of South Park?

I did this because several Muslim kids were harassing me about it, and raving that such insults to the prophet must not be allowed. I asked them all the usual questions -- why do you think your religious beliefs should take precedence over the freedom of speech of others? How would you feel if a Christian or a Jew or a Hindu tried to force you to abide by their beliefs?

All i got back were a bunch of programmed assertions that such questions are meaningless because Islam is TRUE and everything else is not. Christians shouldn't force others into Christianity because it's wrong, but Muslims should because it's right. End of story! This is of course ridiculous, and reminds me of everything wrong with the world.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have no respect for these people. Like every other religious fundamentalist, they need to chill out and realize that their little inherited belief system is a paper construction, an abstract collection of myth and legend, one of thousands of such belief systems on the planet....

....but i deleted the pic because i can't accept the SLIGHTEST possibility that my account might get deleted by an overzealous moderator. Unlikely, but possible. It's taken me ten years to build my audience there, and i won't put all this on the line for one snarky pic that was just an homage to someone else's work anyway. That fear kept wiggling like a worm in the back of my brain and was keeping me from concentrating.

It's this fear that keeps me from using much saltier language right now in describing these people.

I'm a sell-out. I'm overcautious. But it's for the best.

Now, let me pivot around 180 degrees and yell at the people that i was originally going to yell at -- those American conservatives who might read what i just wrote and say "See! Muslims are bad! We should tell them that if any more terrorism ever happens, we'll nuke Mecca and be done with it!"

You people are idiots. Evil idiots. Over and over again, they assert that the current violence in the Middle East is all because "they perceive us as weak" and are "emboldened by appeasement." That we should strike back brutally and indiscriminately because "that's what they respect in that part of the world."

Bullshit.

It never ends, does it? Both radical Muslims and American Teabaggers think that if they just apply enough force, all opposition to their wonderful truth will wither and vanish. People have tried this forever and it never works.

"Let's arrest everyone who smokes weed. Then, no one will smoke it."

"Let's make homosexuality a crime. If gay people think that they might be killed in a bar because they're gay, they'll stop being gay."

"Hey, if we just beat and arrest these civil rights protesters, black people will learn who's in charge here and give up."

"Hey, if we just kill and rape enough Viet Cong and burn down enough of their villages, we'll win this war."

"Hey, you want to get rid of these uppity Christians who don't respect the Emperor? Just drag that Christ guy out of his house and crucify his ass in front of everyone. Stab him in the side with a spear and let him bleed out slowly. That will solve all our problems."

It always works, right?

Both sides are vile. Nobody ever learns. If you have a functioning brain, it's like being an adult in a room of squalling and bickering children.

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Thursday, November 29, 2012

Prometheus?

Prometheus.  It's old news now.  Just another movie that i missed when it was in theaters, and i felt bad because i was no doubt missing an irreplaceable theatrical experience...

...i don't feel so bad anymore.

This movie is kind of dumb.  I mean, the visuals are great and all, and it's a good ride to see it once, but it's one of those films that i don't see myself ever watching again.  I feel like they could have done more than the same old "scientific team assembles and then explores an environment, and discovers nothing but hostile monstrosities."  We've seen it a million times.  The characters expect that they might find a shining world of benevolent alien creators but are shocked to find monsters, but the audience already pretty much knew that was going to happen.  No real surprises.


All the characters are dumb and make no sense.  

Old Man Weyland funds a trillion-dollar mission on some longshot quest to find an alien creator in the hope that they'll nicely save him from death?  Ridiculous.  It would make more sense to stay home, go into cryosleep, and wait for your team of scientists to develop a way to transplant your brain into a robot body.  That can't be that hard to do in 2094.  And once he arrived, he should have seen that there was no thriving society of aliens that might possibly help him, just a single straggler in a desperate situation himself.  And yet he marched right in.  There's no way anyone is this stupid!  It's like finding a lone bloody starving savage on a desert island and saying "hey, maybe he can perform open-heart surgery on me!  He's a human, right?  Humans can perform heart surgery, this guy can probably help me."  And then the savage stabs you with a sharp goat bone and you're like, hey, that's mean, now i'm gonna die probably.

And that old man makeup was awful.

Shaw, after seeing everyone else die, and resigned to the unfathomable horror of slowly dying alone on a hostile planet, is offered a reasonable chance to return home, which any person would take.... and instead, she vows to venture off on some impossible quest with a severed android head -- an android who has proved that he is capable of despicable actions and cannot be trusted?  Oh.  Sure.  She could return to earth with the knowledge of the alien's homeworld, and urge humanity to send out a proper ambassadorial mission to the aliens... but no, she and the David head can do it all by themselves.  Hey, bring on the sequel.  Shaw and David go in search of a clearly hostile alien race to ask them why they're such meanies.

The hoodie scientist, who is shown to be logical and skeptical in his one line of character development, is immediately entranced by an alien snake?  Ooooh!  Alien snake, so beautiful, i want to pet it.  I'm sure it's not venomous or dangerous like our earth snakes, no, it's probably a friendly snake that will do good things to me. 

What the fuck.  

This movie.  Looks great, kinda dumb.

( At least Charlize Theron is hot and and Noomi Rapace is cute.  Especially in her medical bandage underwear.  Leeloo Dallas multi-pass!)


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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Youth is Wasted on the Young


This morning, i was going about my usual routine, which involves putting in my contact lenses and immediately taking my dogs outside for a walk. Although i had only been awake for fewer than five minutes, my mind was already slowly grinding into reluctant action, cataloging the numerous small tasks and mundane responsibilities that i would have to handle during the day. Oil change, mail some bills, be at work by 11:50... but then, i was startled by some sudden movement, a flurry of giddy activity. My neighbor's two small daughters were playing outside my door. They were both clad in homemade masks and capes made from gaudy cloth, and were gleefully zooming about, arms outstretched, transformed in their minds into superheroes of some variety, laughing and totally lost in their innocent play. The older one, who is perhaps nine, stopped a bit short when she saw me, and grinned a self-aware grin, suddenly aware of reality intruding on her fantasy. In just a few short years, she will be too old for such sport. The younger one, about five, continued her delirious swooping, totally oblivious to my adult presence...

...and then, i realized that my own childhood was gone forever, and that i could scarcely remember being so incredibly young. And you know, thank god for that. I mean, those kids just looked so fucking stupid, like a couple of retards or something. All small and weak and dumb, and they probably don't have any money, either.
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Monday, November 26, 2012

Trayvon Martin

Have you been paying attention to this Trayvon Martin business?

Look, there's nothing wrong at all with wanting to get to the bottom of the story. This is a complex situation, and it's hard to discern the real truth because only two people know what really happened and one of them is dead. It's entirely possible that George Zimmerman acted foolishly, pursued this kid, and was almost entirely responsible for the tragedy. But it's also possible that Trayvon himself became the aggressor at some point. Did Zimmerman attack or threaten Martin? Was he attacked from behind? Both obviously felt threatened, so why does this ridiculous stand-your-ground law seem to reward the person with the itchier trigger finger? What really happened? It's perfectly okay to reject the simplistic "he killed a black kid because he was a vile gun-toting racist" narrative that many are trying to push. The truth is never that simple.

But... if you heard the bare basics of the Trayvon Martin shooting -- the news that broke almost a month ago -- and you said "whoa, buddy, i don't need to hear any more. I made up my mind. This kid was obviously up to no good and deserved to die. The shooter said as much and what possible motive could he have to lie? Heck, he deserves a freakin' medal for what he did. Case closed, end of story."

Congratulations, you're racist scum.

And what's with this presupposition that racism cannot be a factor in any way because George Zimmerman is Hispanic? I've actually heard a right-wing talker state plainly "racism cannot be a factor, because George Zimmerman is not white, he's Hispanic." What, are people of Hispanic descent so inherently noble that they are incapable of it? Oh, wait, i get it. He's Hispanic, and that's the same thing as being black to you. There are whites and then there are the mud races. Whoever heard of one mud racer discriminatin' against another? Yeah, gotcha.

These people think it's a "media conspiracy" that the photos of Trayvon Martin that were shown on TV were the ones provided by his family, pictures of the kid smiling and looking clean-cut... instead of, say, his grainy MySpace photos of him posing like a gangsta and showing off his tattoos... it's a conspiracy! They're trying to gin up sympathy for this predator! They're unwilling to show the "real" Trayvon Martin!

But does anyone make this case when some redneck kid dies? If a white kid in Arkansas is tragically killed, are you allowed to use his nice school photo? Or are you obligated to dig up that picture of him muddin' on an ATV and holding a deer rifle, his mouth caught in mid-holler, shirtless and holding a beer in one hand and flipping the bird with the other? If you use any photo except that one, are you conspiring to protect Whitey?

Remember when this used to happen to white kids who were dressed like hippies or metal fans? The West Memphis Three? Yeah, officer, we're not really sure what happened but that guy there has long hair and a Metallica t-shirt, so he probably done it. Most white people now realize what's wrong with that mindset. But when it comes to black kids who wear clothes that they see in rap videos, that's different. It's different because those white kids are just going through a rebellious phase; those black kids are making a lifetime choice to be a criminal who hates society and will murder us all the first chance he gets.

Sigh.

I'm exhausted. This country vexes me.

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The Three Stooges


Like everyone else, i've seen and thoroughly enjoyed the new Hollywood remake of The Three Stooges. It's a well-crafted film that pays just homage to the legendary performers of yesteryear while updating the mythos for today's generation of emerging Stoogaholics. This gives me ample opportunity to ramble on with others at length, for while most people enjoy the antics of the Stooges, i am, for lack of a better term, a dedicated Stoogologist. You've seen the incredible array of Stooge paraphanalia in my house, so you know that i speak the truth when i claim that only a handful of persons in the world -- two or three, at most -- might know more about the Stooges' oeuvre than myself. And even that i would dispute. Would you like to know Larry's blood type or the zip codes of their respective places of birth? I have that information. Oh, i'm moving into the realm beyond the interest of the layman -- forgive me. Well, how about this interesting wrinkle of Stooge lore -- did you know that nearly every Stooges short that you see played on television these days is one of their early works? The latter ones are hardly ever shown. Here's why...

...in the early forties, Jerome "Curly" Horowitz began to suffere severe hypertension as well as ailments related to his heavy drinking, which were exacerbated by the stress of the strenuous shooting schedule imposed upon the troupe. Curly lost weight, developed severe jaundice, and was too exhausted to remember his lines or engage in his trademark physical shenanigans. The resulting material is therefore decidedly subpar and, to be perfectly honest, very depressing to view. An infamous shot in "Hootenanny Hijinks" in which a gaunt and delirious Curly suffers a grand mal seizure and looses control of his bowels was mistakenly left in the initial cut before it was noticed and later removed. (Although it has since been restored in the new Criterion DVD versions.) The next year, Curly suffered a catastrophic stroke that ended his career and led to his untimely death from massive cerebral hemorrhages. Curly's eldest brother, Moses "Moe" Horowitz blamed the head of the studio, Harry Cohn, and assaulted him by throwing hot roofing tar in his face. Fortunately, Moe was sufficiently wealthy and well-connected to avoid arrest from the incident. Curly was replaced by brother Shemp Howard and the Stooges continued on for many years.

As for Cohn, the boiling tar fused with his flesh and went so far as to alter his DNA, and in the next five years he gradually mutated into a tar-skinned abomination, a barely-human monstrosity that was unable to survive without constant medical care. He became reclusive and rarely left his Palo Alto ranch except to occasionally act -- often without the aid of makeup -- in science fiction films. He's best remembered as playing the recurring role of "the Toxic Terror" on the old 1960's-era Adam West Batman serial. Of course, the show wasn't called Batman back then; it was first aired under the title Captain Coward and the Amazing Danger Squad. It began life as a documentary but was heavily edited because it contained a good deal of proprietary military information that later became classified. Once in syndication, all dialogue was redubbed, the signature sound cards (Blang! Wazoom!, etc) were added, bat ears were digitally grafted to Captain Coward's hood, and all the overt homosexual references were removed, much to the dismay of Burt Ward.

As for the remaining Stooges, they ultimately died within mere weeks of one another, and were interred with great honor in their native land of Czechoslovakia. There the Stooge Mausoleum stands today, where its beneficent presence is said to cure various ailments and offer spiritual succor the the afflicted.



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Sunday, November 25, 2012

Why I Stand Proudly With Barack Hussein Obama


I suppose i should have written this a month ago, if i wanted to sway anyone's mind about this election. But better late than never, i suppose.

Let's cut through the clutter and the crap. Let's not start hurling accusations about Ted Kennedy killing a drunk girl, or Anthony Weiner taking a photo of his crotch, or any of this other silliness. Let's get down to the real talk. Let me lay out why i voted for Barack Obama, why i'm proud of it, and why i think you should vote for him as well.

And let's just focus on the last four years, the essential state of things.

As everyone knows, by the end of 2008, the American economy was in freefall after a decade of conservative economic policies. Tax cuts for the wealthy and two frivolous wars exploded the debt, American jobs were vanishing overseas, and a deregulated Wall Street -- no longer hindered by the rules that once prevented commercial banks from engaging in the same speculative behavior as investment banks -- bet the farm on junk securities and leveraged their money into a house of cards that collapsed, obliterating trillions in wealth overnight.

Things were very bad.

Almost any Democrat could have won the 2008 election in such circumstances. But we didn't have just any Democrat, we had Barack Obama, who seemed new and different because he was young and black and hip and cool in a way that most politicians aren't. He won in a landslide, and vowed to work with Republicans on getting the country back on it's feet...

...but it takes two to tango, as they say. We now know, for a fact, that the core of the Republican party -- Boehner, McConnell, Cantor, and Ryan -- called a meeting to formalize their strategy in the coming years. And that strategy was to ruin Obama by any means necessary. To vote against him, even if he were proposing things that they agree with. Stall, delay, and filibuster legislation. When your side is losing a fight, after all, you can't just build yourself back up -- you have to tear the other guy down.

Obama did try to compromise. The necessary stimulus package included huge tax cuts, favored by Republicans. Republicans like Paul Ryan received hefty chunks of money to help their districts that they would disavow later. Obama's healthcare reform plan was not the progressive Clinton plan of the early '90s, but rather a market-based approach that was modeled after Mitt Romney's Massachusetts model...

...Obama extended his hand, and the Republicans spit in his palm. They placed party warfare above the interests of the American People in nearly every case.

The conservative media began a smear campaign unlike any other, on several fronts of society. The Wall Street bankers, who largely went scot-free for their misbehavior, were aghast that they should suffer even token measures to keep their venality in check. Their support for a generic Republican candidate to replace Obama was a foregone conclusion...

...but on the ground, things got dirty. Before Obama, one might have assumed that the election of a black president would result in his enemies' holding their tongues and pulling their punches as not to appear like racist creeps -- instead, the opposite happened, and Obama was subjected to a campaign of racist bullshit unlike anything i've ever seen. Every conservative voice whispered -- he's really a Muslim. He wasn't born here. He doesn't like America and wants it to fail. He's an anticolonialist. He's a socialist dictator. He wants to take money from hardworking white suburbanites and give it to lazy inner-city blacks and mexicans. He's not a Christian. He's a Black Panther. He apologizes for America. He's not one of us!

Remember the birth certificate sideshow?

Do you think that a single one of those howling loons would have cared if there was some suspicion that Sarah Palin wasn't born in Idaho, but across the Canadian border while her parents were on a hunting trip?

'Course not.

And as a result, we ended up with the Teabaggers, the single most wrongheaded political movement in modern American history. These people -- who didn't bat an eye when Republican presidents and Congresses drove up trillion-dollar deficits, and cheered when Dick Cheney said "Reagan proved that deficits don't matter" -- suddenly decided that the looming national debt was the single most important issue facing the country...

...which of course, was just a cover for their emotional rage. Willing tools of their media masters, all their hatred and racism could be channeled through this issue in a desperate attempt at political legitimacy. The truth that our massive debt was almost entirely caused by slashing taxes and needless wars was unacceptable to them, so they created an alternative universe in which Obama was giving away trillions of dollars in "free shit" to undeserving "looters and moochers" as part of some "socialist plan" to "create a nirvana on earth." You only need to read their sneering rants in which they express outrage that Michelle Obama eats the same food as other First Ladies (as opposed to what, crackers and Spam?) to see their motivations.

Their masters know the truth, but the grunts and foot soldiers swallowed those lies whole. White suburban Americans don't want to look at the last thirty years and realize that everyone is to blame. They don't want to realize that Saint Ronald Reagan and subsequent Republicans started the nation down the path of ruin. They were told that they could enjoy lower taxes during their working years, and then reap the benefits of Medicare and Social Security during their retirements...

...no, that would require intelligence and honesty. It's much more appealing to them to believe that some invading socialist Democrat Secret Muslim caused all of it four years ago.

Even worse, legions of young people who were of a libertarian bent bought into the lie. They had probably never paid much attention to politics before, and the problems of the last three decades could all be wrapped up and placed on Barack Obama's doorstep. Jobs are hard to find? Why blame decades of offshoring and wage stagnation and corporate malfeasance, combined with new technological realities and the rise of India and China? Why take that responsibility when an old white guy is pointing a finger at Obama and saying "he did it!"

It's been horrific to watch.

Curiously, the same libertarians who insist over and over again that politics is entirely corrupt and that ALL politicians are liars and scoundrels -- don't think that the Republican Party is capable of orchestrating this kind of smear movement. They're just all acting in good faith, right?

Meanwhile, Obama soldiered on and did what he could. He passed healthcare reform. He brought the war in Iraq to a sensible close. He's wisely avoided ground wars with Iran and Libya. And as a bonus, he killed Osama Bin Laden -- something that George Bush was never able to do, something that both Mitt Romney and John McCain said they would NOT do because it might be too risky. The fact that conservatives could not even acknowledge this single achievement is proof of their blindness and reality evasion. Give Obama credit for a gutsy move? Why do that when you can just construct another false narrative where Obama supposedly hid in a corner crying and protesting while someone else gave the order to pull the trigger?

Has Obama been a perfect president?

Of course not. He's done things i don't agree with, and hasn't done things i think he ought to have done. Most of my criticisms are of the latter sort -- there have been too many times when i think the President should have raised holy hell against Republican obstructionism rather than compromising.

He's still trying to reach across the aisle, no matter how many times he gets spit upon.

Anyway, that brings us to this election. The fact that it's even close is shocking to me. You don't need me to tell you why Mitt Romney is a hypocritical, deceptive fraud when Matt Taibbi can do it so much better...

...nah, this is about Obama. See, the conservatives have this goofy belief that everyone is let down by Obama. That everyone voted for him last time did so just to prove they weren't racist. That everyone voting for him this time is doing so because they're either an illegal immigrant or some lazy moocher who wants more welfare.

Screw that!

I'm a hardworking American who left home at age 17 with a bicycle and $500 in my pocket from a Fountainhead essay contest. And i proudly voted for Obama a second time.

If Mitt Romney wins, it won't be the end of America -- that's the type of drooling hyperbole that Teabaggers indulge in -- but i do think he would be a rotten president. And the Republican strategy of lies, obstructionism, hypocrisy, greed, and racism will have been totally vindicated.

They don't care if it's right, they just care if it works.

Don't let it work.

OBAMA 2012.

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